The best response to JPS (Just Plain Senseless) behavior, even the most subtle, is to say something like, “Would you repeat that?” while holding up a video camera. Then, if he does repeat it, laugh and say, “That’s what I thought you said.” If he doesn’t repeat it, he may be a bit more conscious that his behavior is senseless. This is a victory for consciousness. Victory over verbal abuse is victory for consciousness, while verbal abuse seeks its destruction.
Victory over Verbal Abuse has been written to provide answers to many questions about verbal abuse and in particular to support recovery from the impact of verbal abuse. To recover from verbal abuse, it is essential to know that healing is possible.
Abuse can begin anytime—in infancy, or in an adult relationship. It can be perpetrated by anyone who cannot tolerate your separateness and so attempts to shape you into his or her projected self, while ignoring your real self.
If you have experienced verbal abuse, you must know clearly that you are not responsible for anyone’s abuse of you. You cannot make it happen to you. You may not be able to tell when it is happening to you. In a relationship, you know that the perpetrator is a separate person, but as strange as it seems, the perpetrator does not recognize you as a separate person. The perpetrator defines your inner world as if he or she were living within you.
Your victory also means clarity about who you are, what you like, what brings you satisfaction, along with awareness of your talents and gifts. Your victory is the journey you take to create what you want in your life—a life that gives you meaning and purpose and is most fulfilling. Your victory is fully realized when any fears, self-doubts, and confusing perceptions disappear.
As we collectively come to understand just what verbal abuse is and how it impacts humanity, we will have a healthier world. In this regard, victory over verbal abuse is extremely important to all who want to live in a world without war in any form—that is, people seeking power over other people. Achieving this can be one of our most important goals if we want to make it so. If we progress in achieving this victory, the dark cloud of verbal abuse will gradually dissipate in the light of awareness, just as the sun dispels the fog. This will make a difference in the lives of millions of people. For example, a dictator using verbally abusive and controlling behavior could not rise to power if most who witnessed verbal abuse recognized it for what it is!
People who are verbally abusive use Just Plain Senseless (JPS) negative statements that denigrate, accuse, imply, disparage, or in any other way define a person. They perpetrate defining behavior without examples, evidence, or facts. Verbal abuse is a lie told to you, about you, or about someone else. It is most insidious when the accusations are perpetrated through implication.
Here is an example of how insidious and evil implication can be. Jill is home with three children under six years of age. The twin girls are two years old. The oldest, a boy, is five. She is exhausted by the time her husband gets home from work, but she makes sure dinner is ready. Her husband Jack walks in, looks around, and sees a toy on the kitchen floor. He looks at the toy and says, “Look at this! I worked all day. It must be nice to have time for a nap.”
Jill is shocked. She tries to defend herself against the implication that she doesn’t work. “I don’t have time for naps. I was taking care of the kids, the house, the meals, the laundry, and grocery shopping,” she says evenly. Jack sighs and rolls his eyes, picks up his five-year-old son, “Wanna go get a burger where the fun people are?” he asks his son.
“But dinner is ready,” Jill says.
“We don’t mind missing it, do we Jackie?” Little Jackie agrees, nodding at Jack who is so important in his life.
“Okay, my little man,” says Jack. He sets Jackie down, takes his hand, and heads out the door saying, “If anything’s left, save it. I might want a midnight snack.”
In personal relationships, some controllers disparage their partner in front of their children and so attempt to bond together with the children against the partner. This is very common. It’s a way to gain power and feel connected; in some cases, it’s the only way a controller feels connected to anyone. In the example above, Jack may have felt anger that the house didn’t look as perfect as he desired. He may have resented that his wife didn’t meet his expectations, which might have been to be admiring, maybe even adoring of him, when he arrived home.
When Jill told him what she had been doing all day, he shut her out completely, avoided recognizing her as a separate person, and subtly bonded with his son, Jackie, against her.
During the interaction, Jackie saw his dad ignore his mother, saw his dad sigh as if he had had all he could take, realized that mom was not much fun and that his dad approved of him, his “little man.”
When he is an adult, Jackie may perpetrate the same behavior in his own relationships.
What could Jill have done? The best response to JPS behavior, even the most subtle, is to say something like, “Would you repeat that?” while holding up a video camera. Then, if he does repeat it, laugh and say, “That’s what I thought you said.” If he doesn’t repeat it, he may be a bit more conscious that his behavior is senseless. This is a victory for consciousness. Victory over verbal abuse is victory for consciousness, while verbal abuse seeks its destruction. (Pg.10)
WE&P by: EZorrilla.